When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
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My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.