@ojedge BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
@LoveYoorFate When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
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@ojedge 
@yoyoha I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
@samalmightysam My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
@djdarrellripley Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
@bazecraze A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
@kelkulus You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
@Parentpains America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
@ms__pauline Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
@mdob11 I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
@sixfootcandy Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.