BOSS: why are you late?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
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My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.