When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

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I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!


My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.


Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…


A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.


You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.


America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling


I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.


Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.