@KatieDeal99

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

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@SondraDeeMe

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

@DanMentos

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

@TheAlexNevil

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

@HatfieldAnne

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

@brendohare

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

@JohnLyonTweets

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

@gerryhallcomedy

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

@SortaBad

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon