When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella