When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
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Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Worth the read.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*