When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
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I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.