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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in