when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
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I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent