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The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
english majors be like furthermore
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
When they try to steal your moment.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*