when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
August 8
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.