When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

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What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?


Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.


Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.


Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Cop: Faster.
Cop: Um, no, 72.
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.


*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course


Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.


If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.


Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.


Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….