@trevso_electric

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

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@natedog2049

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

@OBiiieeee

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

@Gorrdano

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

@FatherWithTwins

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

@StatusInBeirut

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

@UNDEADTRESOR

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

@ReeseButCallMeV

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….