When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
*limbos away from your hug*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.