When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.