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DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
this chia pet tastes awful
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”