When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
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Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.