When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
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My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.