When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
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“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”