When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.