You Might Also Like
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust