When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
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I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.