When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
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Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
me before I type out affect or effect
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
cyclists
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*