When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
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[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
This is painfully accurate 😅
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.