When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.