when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
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I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem