When your man makes a valid point
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Just got to our Airbnb!
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it