When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”