[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
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-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Netflix: We have Less
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.