When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I know this now 😂
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.