When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others