when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
you know what ruined my childhood? children
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.