when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
A man of commitment.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?