when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
bias laundering edition
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?