when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Noah
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya