When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Human are so complicated
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.