When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”