When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.