when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
My inexpensive home security system…
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
time for some seasonal decor
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.