When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today