When your teen is already bigger than you are…
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Bed should get ready for ME
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
😍😂🥰😂😍
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates