When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
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You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Breaking news:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I told my vodka about you.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.