When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
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What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Put the is in disheveled
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Me too, bag. Me too….
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care