when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Oh yeah that’s it
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now