When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
pizza
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded