When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.