When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
crochet youtube is brutal
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it