When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago