When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
You Might Also Like
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.