When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Very good! 👍😂
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
the three branches of government
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means