WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
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I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Every damn time
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.