when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
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My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.