When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

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Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.


Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose


[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.


ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news


When I play the kazoo, I play to win


[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there


me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise


wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying


Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.


Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.