@noog

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

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@Arroia

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

@sageboggs

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

@sofarrsogud

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

@donni

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

@BraandoCommando

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

@TweetPotato314

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

@broken_rhi

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

@JohnLyonTweets

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.