When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?