When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
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The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
do horses think humans are hats
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
just witnessed a drug deal
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?