When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
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Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles