When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
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*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.