When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
You Might Also Like
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business