When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Every. Damn. Time.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.