When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
You Might Also Like
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about