When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”