@urmumsausername

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

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@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

@IamJackBoot

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

@TheHyyyype

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

@JermHimselfish

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

@RubyBottoms

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

@Mandiatrandom1

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

@jonnycarr1974

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

@thepunningman

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

@sixfootcandy

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

@shutupmikeginn

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist