When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

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“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*


“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”


*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*


The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.


The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?


Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog


Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*


Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Duck: I mean quack


Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.


applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist